when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
