ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
