Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
