Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
