I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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