There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
