Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
