they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
