my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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