lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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