woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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