I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
