so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
