Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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