Well apparently he's into motor boating.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
