Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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