Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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