I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
