There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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