Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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