I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
