you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
