You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just forgot I was standing up.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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