saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
