Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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