Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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