____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
