Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
