and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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