i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
