her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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