Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
