I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
