Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
