I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
