Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I think your dad took our porno
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
