I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
