Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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