I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize