Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
