Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
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she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
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she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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