Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
