just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
