I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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