When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
