Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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