It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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