p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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