filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
