Girls should come with a carfax report
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
