My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
