Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
