I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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