I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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