woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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