My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
