Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
whose ass print is on the piano?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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