I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
