bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
